Aiyo, I cried a lot today I think. I wonder if Raymond cries too, deep down inside, but I doubt he has the time to do that, that’s why he always feels fine. Funny how I used to be the happy one all of the time, now I’m trying to recover. It’s quite devastating how I haven’t seen him for 4 days, and tomorrow will be 5, then after seeing him for one day, I probably won’t see him until after my vacation. Basically, 33 days minimum without seeing him after Friday. What also sucks is that I haven’t really been able to talk to him much lately. We didn’t talk last night, and our longest conversation today was less than 5 minutes. I keep thinking about the sadness of the summer, the pain it will cause me. I even get scared that I would keep crying and crying day after day until I feel no emotion. No pain, no sadness, no depression, no happiness. The thing that saved me was when I was showering, I thought about the time me and Raymond was in English class, when I copied the scene in Love Story in Harvard, when the girl and the guy draw a big heart together with their fingers simultaneously. Then I thought, my fairy-tale like moments with him will keep me happy, for a while. And I hope that while we last about…33 days.

Lol. I dink my dad may be a bit suspicious about me having a boyfriend. When it usually is my mom, who is the suspicious one.

Are you going to get a DS? Despite all this, will I? I mean, I should save for college, but I now doubt that I can get into any of the great colleges, this is because I can get good grades, but I suck at standardized tests and I don’t go to summer school, and I have never had a tutor. Bad shape to get into a great college. >.<

Unless I go to some famous art college, nah, tough. I doubt I’d get into Stanford, and I don’t bother to apply to Berkeley, so much competition against my peers. >.< I’d really like to see what will happen when Raymond gets accepted to those “great” colleges, and when I get rejected. His parents have been forcing him to do so much, so of course if he wanted to go to the same college, it would be merely impossible. I haven’t got the chance to ask him why doesn’t he try to persuade his mother to not force him to do certain things. :/ Well, when it’s senior year, I doubt Raymond will be Zhi Shu, in the way that Zhi Shu chose not go to the best university, and ended up going to the same one as Xiang Qin. I mean if he wanted his dream of being a lawyer, he might as well get all the best education he can get.

New thought, maybe I can go to the same college as Jess? But I’d miss Raymond a lot, I wonder if there are any good colleges near the great ones…

FONT size=3>“The future is not guaranteed” I hate that quote now. I know I’m being a hypocrite. But if there’s no (guaranteed) future, why is there hope and why do people say forever? 

I finished watching the 11 episodes of “Long Vacation”, I loved it, I’m not quite sure why. Well I really like how the guy and the girl always encourage each other, even before they had feelings for each other. And the lady was older than the guy, by 7 years! I like the personalities of the lead characters, and there wasn’t really a bad guy in the story. There were funny moments and romantic moments. Love it! <3 I want to “play” with fireworks with Raymond one day. Senior Prom? oO Don’t know :P

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Aiy, I need to do more creative things like make cards and stuff to avoid the computer!

LOL, there was a diskette on the floor that said “Start Up” and I thought it said “Shut Up”

Fast Track = Fart Track  @__@ (Ahh, I need to study!)

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Everything just gets worse and worse. I wish I’m use to it, that’s why it doesn’t seem hard for Raymond. It’s now the 3^rd time I cried today, not “teary eyed”, but tears that just keep rolling doing my cheeks. So now, he can’t freaking hang out with me Friday, that’s 6 days. As a newbie in this, it’s so hard to take in, I can’t stop crying over this, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m scared that at my weakest point, when I can’t take it anymore, that somebody will be there for me, just like how Raymond was there, but this time, someone that would make me have to chose between that person and Raymond. That might sound confusing but, I always believe in this thing, where when a person is in love, and is hurt, the person who helps them, has the biggest chance of being liked, because the person who was hurts realizes there is someone else, perhaps someone better. Now I feel like I’m talking nonsense, well actually, when I try to describe this in words, it makes more sense. So nevermind about this, cause I kinda doubt this is gonna happen. This is me thinking too much when I cry…

I hope I can hang out with people over the summer to take my mind off this misery. Man, my best friend and boyfriend are going to be leaving me very soon. I pray to God that I can take on this challenge, and I hope he will guide me.